Dear all, this note is about 2009. My 2009.
This is my 2009, because for the past year my life was paved through my own actions, decisions and will.
I sailed to Pulau Tekong on 9 January 2009 knowing nuts about army, thinking that my life revolves around some physical training, some rest and some horrific food. Neither did i realise that i entered into a conscript service which would drastically change my thinking, my habits and my way of life. Transiting away from a civilian life was terribly difficult, and i could no longer return to my slumber sleep after the wake up calls at 5.20. I wondered why i had to carry heavy backpacks and sleep with dirt while the females of Singapore could enjoy the luxury of their own beds and sofas(yes, its a luxury).
And then, my mom passed away. Suddenly, my life turned into regrets, and it felt as though i stopped walking this path of life. I paused, because i was too afraid to take the next step, or the step after. Regret came after regret, and i kept asking why didn’t i bother to spend a little bit more time with my mother. I could have, i should have, but i didn’t. I wasn’t ashamed of my mom passing on. I invited my friends over to the funeral because i wanted them to see this heroic mom of mine and i was so thankful that they came to offer their condolences.
Just like how i used to wonder, how could a woman of strong faith who constantly prayed and was prayed for by pastors and friends for victory over cancer be denied of the chance to continue living? I wanna share what i wrote during the funeral when i was reflecting -
‘ My mom left a legacy of hope, and like Jesus whose work was finished on earth(when he said its finished on the cross), my mom has finished and fulfilled God’s purpose for her on earth. Just like how Jesus had to be crucified to return back to heaven as Lord, cervical cancer was like a ‘mean’ for God to call her back to be with Him. The difficulty God placed on my mom was not the cancer, but the test of faith when my mom had played all her cards and when all odds were against her in her battle against the illness. For the Bible said that God will not place difficulties that man cannot bear, my mom’s faith stood strong during the course of cancer and that was her victory over the test God has placed on her.’
It was certainly not easy having to continue with the training in army after a great loss, but i knew i had to persevere through and somehow i landed in ocs.
It was really some gruelling 9 months. It was also the period when i kept asking why i had to serve, until i got quite pissed with it. And then, slowly, i drifted away from God. Quiet time didn’t really seemed like a necessity and because i got so tired from training it became harder and harder to wake up on a sunday morning to go to church. My tribe started going for the saturday night service instead and then it became a constant battle as to whether i should go out with my friends(because i only go out on saturdays) or go to church. I just drifted and drifted towards the earthly pleasures and enjoyment.
I can never forget my peak of suffering when i did the 9-day jungle confidence course. Now when i try to think about it, i’ll get the yikes. It was the moment when i missed my family and loved ones so much. I never fantasized about food so much before.
Finally, the long awaited 9 month course was over. For 9 months i had been looking forward to receive the officer rank, that 1 black bar upon my chest. I want to say something about these bunch of ocs pple who suffered with me for either 6 or 9 months (even though you’ll never get to chance upon this blog). They were a big part of life, they were comrades who motivated me, who pushed me on. I really feel quite empty leaving ocs, because i’m used to seeing them every week. But i thank them for being on this journey as well, and to commission with them was a feeling that needed months of suffering to earn.
Standard Chartered Marathon 2009.
I wanted to sign up with rayrin a few months before so that i had ample time to train for it but however due to some misunderstanding i thought i was not running anymore, so i just slacked throughout until 2 weeks before the race i accidentally knew that i was going to run and rayrin thought i knew abt it all along. i didn’t had time to train during the 2nd last week and i fell sick unfortunately. Thank God i recovered before the race and i decided to just whack it. I was quite surprised i managed to finish the marathon. 5 hrs 15 mins is not a good timing, but i thought it was miraculous given the situation i was in. 1 year ago, i missed the half marathon which i signed up for because of church camp, so it was fulfilling to complete the full marathon this year.
Finally, the christmas period which i had been waiting for has arrived. Although 2009 has not ended, this pretty much summed up my whole year, for i know that the remaining days of 2009 will be a light and happy one. Now that i’m a little bit more free(i hope), i hope i can try to gain some knowledge through books after being brain dead for a year. Learn driving, and start working out.
I do not want next year to be called ‘My 2010′. I want it to be called ‘ God’s 2010 for me’.
